I was watching a movie recently and was reminded of something about forgiveness that many people fail to realize. I’ll tell you what that is in just a minute. But first, let me ask you something.
Have you ever had someone hurt you so badly that you thought you would never forgive them for what they did to you? In your mind, that person did not deserve to be forgiven. Have you ever felt that if you did forgive them, it would be like letting them off the hook for what they did?
We have all experienced hurt to one degree or another. And, it seems that the deeper the hurt, the harder it is to forgive. Some people feel that by not forgiving the one who hurt them, they are actually hurting or even punishing the perpetrator. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Why Let Someone Have Power Over You?
The person who chooses to hold on to the anger, hurt and bitterness is the one paying the price. In fact, holding on to the hurt and not forgiving, actually gives the one who did the hurting power over the one they hurt. In other words, by not forgiving, you are choosing to continue to give that person power over you.
Very few realize this. That is why I was surprised to see this in a movie Kathy and I watched on TV recently. It was called, Diary of a Mad Black Woman. It was so simply explained to the woman who had been very hurt, that until she forgave, she was allowing the one who hurt her to continue to have power over her.
Carrying the hurt is not only harmful to you mentally, but it is also detrimental to your physical body. A number of medical studies show a connection between unresolved anger and physical illness. The holistic approach to patient care acknowledges and addresses the mind-body connection.
The Bible tells us that “a merry heart does good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.” It talks about not going to sleep angry. It also discusses heaviness of the heart and sorrow of the heart in contrast to being glad and merry.
What Is Forgiveness?
Many times people are unwilling to forgive because they feel that in doing so it excuses the hurtful deed. But forgiving someone does not in any way mean that what they did was not wrong. Forgiving simply means that you are choosing not to exact punishment for what was done.
Biblically, to forgive means to refrain from exacting, as a payment or service; it means that no payment or service is needed. When someone’s monetary debt is canceled, it doesn’t mean that the person who owed the money was right in not paying their debt. Absolving a debt means that no more payment is due.
A great key in learning to forgive others is to remember that God has forgiven you. Forgiveness from God means that there is no payment needed for your infraction. Your wrong doing has been remitted. Jesus Christ paid the price for you.
Have You Forgiven You?
However, many times people know that God has forgiven them, but they fail to forgive themselves. In not forgiving themselves, they really aren’t accepting God’s forgiveness. And, as a result, they end up carrying guilt and condemnation.
Now everyone knows that no one’s perfect. We all make mistakes, right? Therefore, we all need forgiveness. And God has lovingly provided this forgiveness through His Son, Jesus Christ who paid the price for all our sins.
Not accepting God’s forgiveness communicates that the price that has already been paid was not enough. It would be like you owing a thousand dollars and someone paid that debt for you, but you still feeling like you owed the money. When it comes to God forgiving you, the price has been paid in full.
The Bible talks about being imitators of God as “His dear children.” Therefore, I can forgive others not because I am supposed to, but because of who I am. I am His child, and He said to imitate His love. I forgive others because of who I am. I am His child. I am loved. I am forgiven.
Forgiving Others
So, first, forgive others because of who you are, and what God has done for you. Secondly, when you forgive others, it gives you freedom. Living with anger, bitterness and hurt holds you captive; you are a prisoner!
And consider this. So many times, those who have hurt you have moved on; they no longer even think about it. Yet, there you are, being held captive by your own thoughts and emotions. That is not freedom.
Release your anger, bitterness and hurt. Choose to hold thoughts of “no payment due.” Remember, you are not saying that what they did was right; you are simply excusing them from retribution.
And thirdly, remember that the Bible says that we are to forgive others even as we ourselves have been forgiven. God has never said to you that what you did was so bad that He was not going to forgive you. I don’t know about you, but I’m very glad about that.
Have You Considered Him?
And here’s one more point to consider. Jesus Christ was illegally arrested, falsely accused, subjected to a mock trial, savagely beaten and tortured, and, nailed to the cross.
We can only imagine the physical pain he endured. But what about the pain of being rejected that he endured? He was the long awaited Messiah. The religious leaders did not welcome him with open arms. Instead they challenged him at every turn, and eventually engineered his arrest and execution.
If anyone ever had the right to not forgive it was Jesus. And yet, in that moment of pain and suffering, hanging there in shame and humiliation, being mocked and reviled by almost everyone, he uttered the words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Forgiving others is a choice. It starts with accepting God’s forgiveness for what you have done, and you in turn forgiving yourself. Then, you can, and you ought to choose to forgive others.
Michael A. Verdicchio
2010
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Mike,
Thank you so much for this posting. God has been putting this in front of me an awful lot lately, which (I’ve learned) means He’s trying to get through to me on this subject. Forgiveness is a decision that can be made in an instant, however sometimes it takes a process to live fully free of anger and resentment toward the one who hurt us. How much easier it would be if forgiving someone could be accomplished w/a simple, two second prayer “Ok, God, I forgive them. Amen.” Then we wipe our hands and are done with it. But it doesn’t work that way, especially when the hurt is deep, or the hurts are many.
Sometimes we don’t forgive because, as you point out, we don’t feel the person deserves it. They don’t acknowledge that what they did was wrong, or they’re not sorry, or won’t accept responsibility for their actions. Or, sometimes, we just feel we need to protect ourselves from further hurt. I sat in a group just last night where this was the topic of conversation, and the point was made that sometimes to forgive someone and allow your heart to soften toward them is very intimidating because of the fear that letting your guard down and becoming vulnerable again means opening yourself up to further hurt from this person. We don’t trust them not to hurt us, because they’ve proven they can’t be trusted in that regard. Often our gut reaction is to keep our guard up, thinking “If I don’t let them in, they can’t hurt me again”.
But the one we need to trust to guard us from further hurt is not the person…it’s our Father. Most people really are are doing the best they can. We need to trust God to protect our hearts, to show us where the boundaries must be laid to enable us to forgive those who have hurt us and love them with the unconditional love of God, yet walk circumspectly in our relationships.
You are so right when you say that living with anger, bitterness and hurt holds us captive! We have a perfect example of forgiveness in Jesus Christ, who was able to say of his murderers “They know not what they do” and ask Father to forgive them.
I am endeavoring to cleanse my heart of anger toward those who hurt me and “knew not what they did”. They don’t need me to tell them, either! They just need me to forgive them, and so do I. Then I need to forgive myself so that I can have a fresh start.
Thank you again, Mike. This was a timely and much appreciated post.
God bless you.
Busted…I’m pretty sure some and maybe all of this applies to me. Thanks for the information. Great job on relating it simply…and to Chere on her comment above…I HEAR YOU. It’s not always an automatic thing. I will be praying for you…somewhat because I need prayers for the very same thing.
…And BINGO…What a relief it is to turn that thing around and look back at someone who has hurt us, with compassion. Now that is empowerment. Wonderful job, Mike. Jeannie
Chere, Jeannie – glad this was helpful and practical. And by the way, if someone has hurt us, we can still love them, yes; but they will have to earn our trust.
Thank you for this blog. Your in depth explanation about Jesus has been mind blowing and awakening. It’s just what I needed to read at this moment in my life. Forgiveness is not as black and white as I thought. When one can really absorb the story of Jesus’ life, then maybe they’ll be able to forgive whole-heartedly. I have to admit, I still have to work very hard on the concept. Not the forgiving, but the way You explained it, so I can have unconditional forgiveness for others. I’m not there yet, but I want to be. However I know you are right. I will continue to contemplate Jesus’ way! God Bless you!
We are all growing, Moonbeam; thanks for your comment. And, yes Jesus did set the bar pretty high. But, it is truly freeing to forgive.
Pardon me if I’m incorrect, but doesn’t forgiveness involve forgiving in the heart as well, not just not getting revenge? Because of legal consequences, there’s quite a few people I haven’t punched in the face that I’d like to, but someone may take that as I haven’t forgiven them, though I have zero interaction with them now. Just seems like the rest of your article quasi implies that one has to forgive the wrong doer in the heart to be “free”. Reason I split hairs is because I myself have always had difficulty forgiving others. It’s easier said that done. Every time I have forgiven someone, they stabbed me in the back again. The latest betrayal was my fiancé of 11 years without any warning or closure, one day said he changed his mind about marrying me (after all preparations were made) and that he know longer wanted me in his life. He turned his family against me, financially broke me and caused me to be homeless, and put a restraining order on me to prevent me getting ANY closure or explanations and to keep me from seeing the pets, who were pretty much my only family, and wished I were dead after getting out of the clinic when I tried killing myself around the holidays when all this betrayal took place. He mistreated me for years and never communicated with me and was cold to me, but I kept forgiving him, and patiently waiting for him to treat me like he loved me like he did the first few years we were together. It never happened. It all still haunts me on my journey to pick up the pieces of my life, and it’s hard not to be bitter when I’m living in my car 5 months pregnant wondering how I’m going to eat and stay warm with the weather getting colder while he’s living the easy life in a house he stole from me with my pet family without the slightest twinge of guilt or sadness of the relationship gone or how he treated me. I was just SOOOOO expendable. I try hard to not to think about the (expletive) and to forgive so I can be free, and because it’s what God wants me to do, so I will because I’m supposed to and it’s what God wants and God is worth me doing anything for Him, though personally I don’t think some people are worth getting forgiveness, but I feel I’m not really forgiving if I’m still angry and bitter and fantasize about God destroying him, sending him to hell (he’s spiritually lazy and has no interest in being saved), ignoring him and saying stuff like “how dare you treat this poor woman that way”, and stuff like that. I know God will absolutely discipline people for their sins on judgement day and we shouldn’t enact revenge ourselves. I’m prepared for Him to tell me mine and accept it, but I’m positively giddy at the thought of Him forcing mr. Never-takes-responsibility-for anything-because-I’m-perfect and I can get away with murder to aknowledge that maybe he’s not so perfect and innocent as he thinks! I’m indifferent to him at best, but usually I cry myself to sleep. It’s been a year since all this and I’m still in pain, made harder by the fact I’ve struggled with chronic clinical depression my whole life, though I pray nearly everyday for God to fix my life and broken heart. What advice can you give me to live with a merrier heart? Have I technically forgiven him if I haven’t enacted revenge on him, albeit mainly for legal reasons?
Tiffany,
I’m truly sorry you have endured all that you have. I can’t offer counsel on legal matters.
You are right, it is easy to say, “I forgive,” but truly forgiving someone takes a decision.
I know that forgiving someone does not mean what they have done was right, it is not, but remember, forgiving others is really about you, not them.
Christ hanging on the cross, prayed, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” He’s our example.
Give a listen to the podcast I did awhile back – it will help.
Also, Having Trouble Forgiving Others?
And, you might want to rent the movie, “Unbroken,” the story of Louis Zamperini. If you rent it, watch the special features – one of the great lessons of forgiveness I’ve ever heard about.
Those things will help you get started in you getting to the place of completely forgiving and that will have a dynamic impact on your life.
God bless you,